As noted before, I am a fan of just one sport. That sport just so happens to be be "sports entertainment" and is known world wide as one of the most entertaining things on television. No, I am not talking about Jersey Shore, I am talking about WWE.
Just as every football fan waits the entire year for the Superbowl, wrestling fans wait for Wrestlemania, which never seems to disappoint. With things like the Undertaker and his undefeated Wrestlemania streak and Snooki fighting in the ring, yes I mentioned Jersey Shore for a reason, you just can't avoid a spectacle of this magnitude.
Thinking back to all of my greatest wrestling moments, I can really revolve it around one thing. That is the day that I was a professional wrestler when I was but 18 years old. Sit with me here on my throne of porcelain where my best memories come to mind and hear of this glorious event.
Growing up in the redneck land that is Northern NY, I would watch professional wrestling as a child and stare in marvel as Sgt. Slaughter took fireworks to the face, or as Macho Man Randy Savage got bit by a cobra and lived, or as Papa Shango put a curse on the Ultimate Warrior causing him to violently vomit on his way out on a stretcher and wonder, how do I get these abilities so I can be the ultimate bad ass that is a professional wrestler.
As I sit and watch this, the only other person that shares the same opinion as me, which is IT'S ALL REAL, is my late Great Grandmother, who would shutter in fear after every blow taken to the skull of these super men are taken only for them to pop back up and use their fucktard strength to come back and steal the show.
One second, I smell what I am cooking and it needs a courtesy flush... MUCH BETTER!!!
It wouldn't be until years later when a documentary came out on TV showing how all of the wrestling stunts were done and informing everyone that the only thing that was real was the blood as the wrestlers would use a razor blade that was in their arm band or given to them by the ref to blade a portion of their head that has little feeling, lots of blood, and fast healing with little to no scar left over. Needless to say, this crushed and helped me at the same time.
If it is all fake, I CAN DO IT! I can be that super hero that everyone loves only to become one of the most hated people in the WWE because even as a child I understood the most hated people get the most attention, and I am the ultimate attention whore.
Throughout adolescence I would practice taking chair shots, putting people in holds, getting bashed with aluminum trash cans and cookie sheets, and loved every second of it. It wouldn't be until I was 18 when I would know the true meaning of being a "pro".
A mutual friend and drinking buddy had purchased an official WWE wrestling ring and had it placed in his back yard for backyard wrestling shows that became pretty popular in the area. It was then that I knew, I HAD TO BE A PART OF THIS!
I got in touch with a friend and wrestler in this organization by the name of Draven, and it was done. I was officially in the promotion and would be the bad guy. Just what I had always wanted. I was on the fast track to WWE and NO ONE WAS GOING TO STOP ME.
Now let me say, at this point in my life I had only been in 2 fights. One of which was a brutal beating that I delivered with no injury what so ever. The second, I took a shot to the face and head only to go completely bat shit coming back with a swing taking my opponent to the ground and endlessly punching his cheek bones making both eyes black, causing a couple of cuts and being pulled off by his father who chose not to press any charges because he saw his son start the confrontation. Not only did I get away without charges, but I got an apology from the father and son for the behaviors that day!
If I can be this awesome in real life, I WILL RULE THE RING! I get in and am instructed to bounce off of the ropes and get a feel for the ring as I have never done this before. Let me tell you, seeing me do this must have been like watching a drunk giraffe run around after being hit by a tranquilizer dart. I was the opposite of grace and quickly realized that I would have to rely on strength and blows to maintain attention.
Now is the time to teach me how to pull punches. The first shot I take at Draven didn't even come close to hitting him. It was a severe joke and work was needed. I try again and BAM, hit him right in the forehead. It felt like my fist just lightly tapped him but he went flying back and landed right on the mat from the power that is Ajax! Thinking I had hit him I ran over to see if he was ok, only to be grabbed by the arm and flopped onto the mat. Not only did I throw the perfect punch, but he had the perfect sell to go along with it. That's right, I WILL BE A STAR!!!
We get back up and Draven informs me that since I am a natural at throwing a punch, I now have to stomp my feet to get more sound effects to go with the hits. I practice this for 5 minutes and realize that I look like a child with down syndrome trying to dance to the Hustle. It is comical to say the least. Oh well, on to taking punches and selling it.
Draven is a pro at delivering the punches and almost hitting me making it look real, but I am not a master at taking them. Every time I fall to the mat it hurts more and more. I sit here and wonder why the pain is coming. This shit is fake. It shouldn't hurt!!! But it does!!!
After multiple falls, it is time for me to learn how to sell being chopped in the chest in the corner. My shirt is off, I'm in the corner of the ring, and Draven delivers a home run chest slap that can me heard for what seems like a mile! I make the patented "AAH" noise while holding my chest and wincing in pain as he pushes me up and back into the corner to do it 4 more times! Now this "AAH" and pain look on my face, well, IT WAS PERFECT!!! Why was it perfect? Because it hurt like a motherfucker!!! THE DOCUMENTARY HAS LIED! THIS SHIT HURTS!!!
We now decide that I have taken enough abuse there so it is time to learn how to sell a hold. One more "punch to the face" and a leg drop delivered to me after being sent to the mat lines me up for a lion tamer. My favorite wrestler at the time, Chris Jericho, will take the form of Draven and place me in the most feared torturous move EVER! He grabs my legs, flips me over, and SINKS IT IN HARD. Not only do I sell it better than any other move, but it hurts just like the other ones as my neck and back is bent in ways that are not humanly possible. After about 60 seconds of selling the hold, because it hurts like fuck, He releases me only for me to flip over and roll out of the ring.
When I reach the outside I spot Dan wearing his official WWE European Championship belt. I run over and deliver a punch to his face, delivering perfect so I do not actually make contact, grab his belt, put it on, get back in the ring, celebrate my championship victory, and immediately announce my retirement from the business. What did you expect, IT FUCKING HURT! Fuck that shit, I will stick to watching it on TV and continue entertaining people in less painful methods.
On a side note, I am the greatest professional wrestler ever. After all, who else do you know that has started a career in professional wrestling, gotten the European Championship, and retired ALL IN THE SAME AFTERNOON!!! That's right, I am Ajax Adams, and I am the greatest at anything that is put in front of me!!! IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL LA LA LA LA LAOU, WHAT THE AJAX, JUST COOKED IN THE BATHROOM!!!
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