Running train...

Here is a fun little number that happened back in 2004.  My roommate, James Waterville (@JamesWaterville on Twitter) was bored with Northern NY and had decided that he wanted to check out Albany and the surrounding areas.  I was more than happy to comply as when you put us together, well, all hell breaks loose.  Not only did I ensure him that the Albany area would be a fun place to live, but I ensured him that he would get laid within the first night.

Being a man of my word, the night Mr. Waterville moves to Amsterdam, or as we lovingly refer to it Amsterico due to the 50% of the population that speaks only Spanish, I organize a gathering at my place.  This gathering is supposed to consist of a few girls and some other friends from the area.  The plan was to create a night that would make Charlie Sheen cry tears of joy for making his acts look like that of a little girl.

The plan had good intent, but most of the others had decided that they either had something better to do, or they were being responsible and going to bed since they had work the next day.  The way I see it, they are pussies and have lost their ability to speak around me unless given permission. 

There was at least one saving grace.  This saving grace was Trish, and yes the name has been changed to protect the whorish.  Trish was a fuck buddy of mine that had no issue sending naked pictures at random times just to get an excuse to come over and fuck.  This is one that I am more than happy to have over, but what of James, how will he get laid if I steal the whole party?

So we are all sitting around drinking heavily and Trish decides that it is a good idea to finish an entire bottle of Malibu herself.  Normal drinkers can easily do this, but she is a lightweight and this hit her harder than Mike Tyson delivering a KO punch to a $10,000 hooker.  Within 10 minutes of the bottle being finished, Trish is dragging me into the bedroom to fuck as I instruct James to play some guitar if he wants to drown out our sounds.

One thing leads to another and we are fucking to the tune of James Waterville creating some funky guitar beats from the living room.  At this point I realize I AM ALL THAT IS MAN.  I am fucking a girl that is an easy 8 AND getting a soundtrack for it.

After some time goes by I figured it was time for me to release my seed.  I do so and in glorious fashion.  It is this point where I lose all interest in her because, fuck, I'm done.  We leave the position we are in and I look at her only to say "I promised James that he would get laid on his first night here and it hasn't happened yet.  You should go fuck him so I keep my promise."  What can I say, I am not a shitty friend and like to keep my word. 

As soon as I put on my boxers and a t-shirt she is up and walking to the living room with me, only she is completely naked.  The look on James' face as she took him by the hand and took him into my room to defile him, PRICELESS!

As I hear the fucking begin, I realize that I must return the favor that James gave me.  It was time to pick up a guitar and play some music.  But this was not just any music.  You see, I have a Cry Baby Wah pedal that when mixed with a clean tone with a little reverb creates the perfect porn music.  For those of you that don't know what that is, you are fucking lying.  To recreate it via text I can only think it would look like this.  Wak a tick a wak a tick a.  Now you get the picture.

After I do this for a while, I begin to play Megadeth, the reason for this being funny will be revealed in a future blog regarding my sex life.  But soon after I play some Megadeth I realize that I am bored and I want some food.  As I put down the guitar and start to walk to the kitchen I decide to check things out in my room.  I walk in only to see James pumping vigorously inside Trish as she grabs my hand trying to get my dick in her mouth area.  I look at her and say "Nah, he's got this under control.", and leave.  After all, I already got mine and I like threesomes as much as the next guy, but only the cool ones, not the gay kind.

I head to the kitchen and start to boil some water for the best food I could make in 5 minutes or less, instant mashed potatoes.  As the water starts to boil I walk back to the living room and see James emerging from the bedroom, victorious to say the least, and smiling at his accomplishment, even though he went second.

Not 30 seconds after James comes out, I see Trish crawl from my bedroom to the bathroom, naked, as fast as she can, making it just in time to the toilet to unleash a violent Malibu puke that I can only imagine made Linda Blair's puke from The Exorcist look like a dribble of baby spit-up.  That's right, James and I pounded it to a girl until she puked.  Sure, you may say she puked from the alcohol, but I say fuck you.  It is my experience and I will think what I want of our ability to make people puke up the days contents from some deep dickin'.

So as James sits there on the couch and I cook potatoes I look at him and say "How was it?", with a smirk. 

Our dialogue following the smirk is as follows.

Me - "How was it?"

James - "Dude, she was fucking awesome.  I tried to finger her and go down on her but she wouldn't let me.  She just wanted me to go right into fucking her.  She was already soaking wet so I didn't even need to get her worked up."

Me - "Did you use a condom?"

James - "No.  She told me I didn't need to."

Me - *SINISTER GIGGLE*

James - "What?"

Me - "Where did she tell you to blow your load?"

James - "That's the best part.  She said I could blow it inside of........  WHAT THE FUCK?!?"

Me - *LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY*  "How did my sperm feel?  Did they bite your dick?  Well, there you have it, my load is better lube than vag juice."

James - *Shaking his head and looking down in shame*

That's right folks, this girl was not able to get pregnant, or so she said, NEVER TRUST THAT BECAUSE IT WAS A LIE.  At least we didn't knock her up because that would be a Maurie show waiting to happen!

What should I have done?  Let James get it on with her and go without?  Let James go first and take my chances of getting his spunk to run up a condom and get on my shit?  Warn James of what happened before he goes in?  Wrap it up as a courtesy to James?  Fuck no!  All I guaranteed was that he would get laid on the first night.  At no time did I ever say what the circumstances would be.  And the way I see it, if she didn't make him wrap it and told him to blow it inside her, it is has fault for not knowing that my dick butter was in her slop hole waiting for him.  Gee, I hope I didn't get James pregnant...