Online Dating Profile

After getting bored and surfing the internet to the very end of its existence, which by the way is a video of my mom performing fellatio on President Obama while he gives a thumbs up to a picture of Bill Clinton, I decided to check out some online dating profiles.  Let me tell you, these things are FUCKING HORRIBLE.

Don't believe me?  Take a look for yourself.  The name has been left out to protect the underfucked.


Male -25 - Single

I am never good at talking about myself in these little white boxes.  I guess I will start off by saying that I am not your average guy and am not here to use you.  If you are looking for the bad boy, a-hole or anything else like that, please do not look towards me.

I like going for long walks, being outside, hanging out with friends and family and working on improving my 10k time in preparation for a large marathon coming up. 

If you are looking for a guy that will treat you right then look no further.  I look forward to hearing from you.


WOW IS THIS GUY A TOOL!  Let's dissect this profile shall we?  In the first line, the guy says he is not good at talking about himself.  This douche has no confidence what so ever and deserves his lonely nights full of masturbation. 

Line 2, not the average guy, not an a-hole, not a bad boy...  Yea, right, ok, SHUT THE FUCK UP.  I can guarantee that this guy is just the average guy and an asshole JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER GUY OUT THERE.  Want proof?  Ok.  One, he didn't have the balls to spell out ASSHOLE so he is kind of right, he is not the average guy, he is the UNDERAVERAGE guy.  Next, HE WILL FALL BACK INTO THE REALM OF AVERAGE GUY.  How can I predict this.  EASY.  Let's say this fellow is in a relationship for 2 years and then all of the sudden his girlfriend says "We are never having sex again."  You know what, that relationship will end.  Every guy is shallow, and if you say that, you are just another random asshole.  Trust me, I know, I AM ONE!

Long walks, going outside, hanging out, running 10k's.  This guy is trying WAY too hard to sell himself.  Doesn't he know how much of a dickpuke he looks like?  Looking for a guy that will treat you right?  WOW.  I believe I need to pose as a girl, get him to meet me, AND STEAL HIS GUY CARD! 

I am going to write my online dating profile here for you all to see.  This is the kind of honesty that EVERY guy should have.


Ajax Adams - 27 - Male

Hello everyone.  This is your friendly neighborhood Ajax here and I am looking to get a little lovin' from you.  Still reading?  Congratulations, you pass the slut test and can continue evaluating if I want you or not.

I honestly love talking about myself and could do it all night long, but detailing my every detail to people that I only want to use for sex really doesn't interest me.  Below are the basics that you will need to know.

First, I will not date you.  I will only seek your assistance in completing sexual acts and possibly accompanying me places when I need eye candy.  If an eye candy visit is requested of you then you will not be allowed to speak unless spoken to and if you say something stupid, you will be promptly asked to excuse yourself while I play recon for your ignorance.

Next, during our sexual acts, I do not care about your needs.  This is about me receiving an orgasm and then going to sleep.  I will not cuddle, talk or entertain you once I got mine.  Hey, a man has his needs and mine are ejaculation and sleep.  Respect some boundaries biotch.

Not a fan of anal?  Do not even think about emailing me.  *NOTE* If you cause me to get "poopdick" you will be required to lick off the residue.  It is YOUR JOB to make sure the back door is clean and I should NOT have to inspect before sneaking in my mini garden hose.

There will be multiple girls sleeping with me at any given time.  If you do not like this, do not talk to me.  You are not good enough to tame me and not worth my time to explain this again.  If you ask to date me at any time I will force you to cry and make you leave.

Still interested?  Congratulations, you are a slut and you are welcome in my bed at any time.  Bring a friend as long as she is a girl.



There, now isn't telling the truth and being yourself much better than being fake?  Girls, if you are reading feel free to apply to my ad by contacting @AjaxAdams on Twitter.  My leftovers will be given to @JamesWaterville.  Hey, his dick won't suck itself!